life’s a bitch. but you gotta handle it.

you will be alone in all of your secrets and lies

3 weeks in row, all my Saturdays have been fucked up.

I need to clear my own head.
I’m just not sure what to make of my life anymore. Or more accurately, what to do with it. I need to start backing up and do more soul searching.

Sometimes I just wish that I could give up on life and everything.
And just end my life because I can’t take the stress and I can’t cope with accommodating to people’s likings etc every single minute, every single bloody freaking day.
This is so sickening.

Do you understand how this fucked feeling feels like?
My head’s telling myself to go, but my heart’s telling me to stay.

Urgh

you make me smile like the sun

Saddddd

Emotional

:(

Emotional psycho

push pins.

Oh oh here we go again
I know how I lost a friend
We go round and round again.
Oh oh.. oh oh~

It stings, it gives me headaches, it makes me want to run, but there’s no place to run

I hate it when my parents quarrel. Or even when my brother and my dad/mom quarrel/whack/shout at each other.
It sucks.

I have been living in an abusive family since young.
How cool is that. I have to face this shit alone and no one even bothers.
My dad is a good guy.. But sometimes…
It just sucks to have a dad like him.

I won’t forget about what he did. Abusive asshole.
The scars won’t fade away.
My wrist. My cheek. My thighs.
Maybe I should try pills.
Heard from some of my friends that it really helps in eliminating the pain and the worries.
Pills pills pills pills.

I hate it.

I really hate this.

my moon my man.

I can’t help but to keep looking at my stomach and shouting You’re fat!
I can’t help but to keep looking at the scars on my thighs from the razors and saying Nothing’s changed.
I can’t help but to keep saying No one loves you! if my friend doesn’t talk for a while or if the conversation isn’t going well.

I have been like this for so long, that changing is like cutting down a tree with a butter knife.

We are like the fishes

often in life we too have our own prisons, either of our own doing or otherwise.
And like the fish in my aquarium at the living room,
Swimming around aimlessly,
Mindlessly consuming air and food,
Not really knowing their purpose.
While I suppose it may seem utterly hopeless with no promise of improvement,
Things can change due to unforeseen circumstances.
Something could happen to lift you out of your aquarium, into another realm.
Or you could leap out of the aquarium into the unknown,
Though of course you might land up in a drain eaten by rats.
Or you could pray for company, and rejoice when several other little fish join you in your routine.
Or, you could just wait to die.

And if you’re lost and barely breathing, I will find you.

There is something wrong with me. I’m not acting normal at all. I’m feel like as if I am trying to block myself off from the world, and barely talk when I’m with my friends, and the only time I feel normal is if I’m with just one person. Maybe I’m trying to block out off-putting emotions. But in doing so, I’m not feeling my normal day by day emotions. I feel completely empty each morning.
And every conversation I have is forced. All I want is to be my old happy-go-lucky self. The worst of it is, it’s my entire fault, everything little problem with myself is MY fault, and I WANT to change everything, but I don’t know how.

Not to mention that life seems so empty suddenly.
The kick start of the day was to feel empty. But does it have to stay that way for the whole day? I don’t want it to become a habit of mine; I don’t want to feel this way EVERYDAY. I don’t want to feel emptiness on a daily basis. I don’t want it at all. It sucks to feel this way if you haven’t realized.
Though I have everything in place… friends who’ve been there for me through thick and thin; The nonsensical friends who make classes that much more fun to attend and who continually maze me with their talents and unexpected pearls of wisdom… but still nothing to do…. or is it just me?
Wallowing in, diving into this nothingness.
Is it alright to feel this way? Is there any right way to feel? How does one feel?
Can u tangibly define these thoughts/feelings? When we say that we feel happy, what exactly happens inside of us? Apart from some hormones affecting some obscure/murky/incomprehensive part of our brain?
What?
Why am I so disoriented? What more anchors do I want in life?

I NEED AN EXPLANATION.

hmm

It’s so intricate for me to open myself up to people sometimes.
I have this overwhelming fear that everyone is going to leave me when I’ve served my purpose as a friend. After all, my history proves that this is to be true. Everyone walks away from me saying I’m a great friend and a wonderful person, yet they never look back. I become a pleasant memory to them, while I’m sitting there feeling the loss of yet another person in my life.
I’ve made so many mistakes in this life. I spent a long time medicating myself with razors, to ease the pain and the fear I carried inside of me. And the loneliness.
If only i was some kind of crazy drug addict, I bet that my emotions would be buried away, and I could no longer feel anyone else’s emotion. The empathy will be gone. I’ll be free.
If only I got into a major car accident and suffer from severe loss of memory. I wouldn’t have to be haunted by my past. I wouldn’t feel the pain. I would be care-free.
But the feeling of loss…. it’s just so great sometimes.

The pieces don’t fit anymore

There’s the inevitable guilt, of course, initially, and the reluctance to let go.
But I suppose at some point realization dawns that while it hurts both parties that things were not what they used to be, nothing can ever change the past, and that that shared past will always remain in your hearts as glorious remembrances.

Randommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

URGH. I feel so freaking frustrated. Frustrated enough to cry. MY EYES ARE WELLING UP NOW.
This is not cool.

I AM TIRED.

I don’t know why but recently, I feel as though I could randomly break down at any point of time and just cry my heart out.
But I couldn’t. I don’t want my friends to think that I’m a weirdo.

Ah, maybe I should lock myself in the room and cry.
For reasons unknown. How fun would that be.
It would add a little more enjoyment to it with razors.

Urgh, fuck. I’m out of my mind.
Will be back in 24hrs.
Goodbye.

cookies

I’m happy today.
I am finally free! HAHAHAHAHA.

guilty

The adventures of uncalled for insulting comments, telling off, and the aftermath of feeling damn good.

I’m frustrated right now. I want my brain functions to clear up and let me remember notes instead of leaving me feeling all clustered and fucked up about past memories. Dammit. I was on a good thought wave, determined to get it all into my head, working through it, getting it all IN. Then I got distracted and it all went to hell. I can’t remember a single damn thing I just revised.

what the fuck.

I HATE CUPID

tired

Went to Singapore poly today with jerry. And after me and jerry went to plaza sing to chill for a while, and took the train back home at around 5+

mos burger with zb tday.

anamia.

School has finally started.

1 day.
Rewarded.
Induce.
Repeat.

And I miss you. Meow.